Advent Reflections from a Toddler Mom
Advent is here. One of my favorite times of year in church. For four weeks the Church waits, prepares, and anticipates the coming of Jesus. We remember the birth of Jesus 2,000 years ago and look ahead to his eventual return. The idea is for it to be a season marked by anticipation, which I often don’t feel, and preparation, which I often don’t do. I anticipate Christmas in the material sense. I get excited about watching my favorite movies, listening to Christmas music, hosting gathering with friends and family. I prepare in this way too. I shop for gifts, decorate my house, and plan for big festive meals.
When it comes to anticipation and preparation in my spiritual life, though I feel a bit lost. I don’t typically celebrate the birth of babies who were born long before I was. There have only been a few moments in life when I can say I attempted to truly prepare my heart for something, and even in those moments I’m not sure I really nailed it. A path through all of the commercial Christmas stuff to the real heart of Advent feels hard to find and difficult to stay on.
The strongest sense of anticipation I have felt in my life was in the lead up to the brith of our daughter. Ben and I were so giddy with excitement over the arrival of Riley that it kept us up at night. I couldn’t wait to see what she would look like. Ben wondered endlessly about the little personality that would emerge. We regularly look at each other and said “can you really believe we’re about to have a baby?” We were nervous and scared, too. We read some books and tried to learn a thing or two before she arrived. It was impossible to know all the ways our lives were about to change, but we were certain change was coming. There would surely be ups and downs, but the gift of this kid would be more than worth it.
Preparing for a baby is no small task. A long list of equipment has to be acquired, and these days that includes hours of research to make sure you find the best for your baby. In the months leading up to Riley’s arrival another Mom in our church shared her registry spreadsheet with me. It was filled with columns of items, quantities, prices, and notes. While we were scouring the internet for supplies we got a room ready in our house. Out went the guest bed, in came the crib. A theme was chosen (jungle, because we are very original) and Ben got to work painting animals on one wall. As the mythical due date drew closer we did our best to put everything in its place. When we brought Riley home we didn’t want to worry about organizing and unpacking, but instead soaking up our time with her.
Whether you are a parent or not, you have likely experienced the drop-off in anticipation that comes with doing something for the second, third, or fourth time. What was once remarkable starts to feel ordinary over time. Our past experiences make us think we know too much. Before we were naive, and it would make us look silly to get that excited again. Even if it all turns our great, it won’t be perfect, and it could even be disastrous. Anticipation, and in turn, hope for something we can’t control is risky, so perhaps it is best if we tamp down our expectations.
This reality feels magnified with a toddler running around. There’s the physical exhaustion that comes with simply trying to keep up with an energetic 2 year old. The emotional rollercoaster of watching your kid grow and change at lighting speed. Maybe my least favorite are the messages from Instagram influencers urging me to BE PRESENT every moment of every day with our kids because TIME IS A THEIF and THESE ARE THE DAYS we need to remember. Finding time and space to prepare our hearts for the message of Christmas feels selfish, irresponsible, and way less important than making our kid’s Christmas magical. Sometimes I feel like I should just get a pass on finding meaning and experiencing spiritual growth until my kid is older.
I’m not entirely sure how to bring this sense of anticipation back. Some days I’m not even sure I want to. But this year I’m going to try. As I wait for baby Jesus I’m going to try to tap into the emotions I felt waiting for my own baby. I am going to try to find moments to let my mind settle on all the of the promises that come with the arrival of Jesus. I am going to try and start preparing for a big change even though I don’t know what that change might be. Leaning in to practices that help me connect with God now, instead of waiting for January to bring a fresh start.
Making the most out of the Advent season can be hard for this toddler mom. This moment in time gives me so many reasons why I can’t have a meaningful season waiting for Jesus to come. At the same time, it gives me one big reason why I can.
I’ve anticipated and prepared for a baby before. Now it’s time to do it again.
