The Decision to End a Pregnancy

I won’t pretend to be an expert on abortion.

What I do know, is that in August of 2019 I was faced with the decision of how to end a wanted pregnancy.

At my first OB appointment for a pregnancy I very much wanted, I was told I had experienced a missed miscarriage. While I had been on the lookout for cramps and bleeding as signs of trouble, the fetus I was carrying had stopped developing. An ultrasound revealed that there was no heartbeat. While the baby was no longer viable, the rest of my body didn’t get the memo and I had no symptoms of a typical miscarriage. My first pregnancy was over before it really began.

I was completely shocked and overwhelmed by this turn of events, but I still had decisions to make. Because my body didn’t expel the pregnancy naturally, I would likely need to help things along. I could wait and see. My body might kick into gear and do its thing, but it could take days or even weeks. This meant going about my day to day knowing that the little life I had been so excited about could start leaking out of me at any moment. My next option was to take a combination of the medications mifepristone and misoprostol. Make no mistake, these are abortion pills and they would help me pass the tissue that remained inside of me. Finally, I could have a D&C surgery. A minor outpatient procedure, also know as an abortion.

I opted for the medication, because surgery of any kind scares me.

So many parts of this experience were painful. The loss of a life I was already creating hopes and dreams for. The surprise of having no idea anything was wrong and being completely blindsided. The physical ordeal of bleeding and cramping for nearly two weeks.

Maybe the worst part, though, was how isolating it all was. I was early enough in my pregnancy that my husband and I hadn’t told anyone yet. When it all fell apart, we were left on our own. I remember how weird it felt lying to friends and co-workers about why I was staying home and cancelling plans. I barely understood what was happening in my body, and I certainly didn’t have the words to talk about it. I have since learned that missed miscarriages are estimated to impact less than 3% of all pregnancies. I had good reason to feel alone.

Almost 3 years after all of this took place, I still haven’t shared this story with all that many people. I certainly never expected to share it on the internet, but here we are. When people say ‘abortion is healthcare,’ this is what they are talking about. The same medications and procedure that are often associated with ‘baby killing,’ are the tools that allowed me to safely complete the process of ending a pregnancy that was already over. I don’t think my situation would qualify as a medical emergency, but the potential for complications and unnecessary suffering were present if no interventions could be done.

Do I wish we lived in a world where we didn’t need abortion pills and D&C procedures? Sure. But we don’t, and wishing for it won’t make it so. The reasons women choose them and the situations that demand them are varied and complex. I simply hope my story will remind you to consider them the next time you think about abortion.